Dear Fitness Fakers

I went for a run today, as I often do, and found myself annoyed by the amount of Fitness Fakers I saw or nearly ran into. It was frustrating enough to inspire a rant.

Dear Fitness Fakers,

I hate to break it to you, but buying the fanciest workout clothes money can buy is not going to get you in shape. Your ass is just as wide in those Nike capris as they are in your jeans, perhaps wider. Also, I can see your thong, and anyone wearing a thong is clearly not planning on completing a legitimate workout. Furthermore, the latest Reebok running shoes are not going to enhance your slow trot enough to burn the calories as actually running.

I know the fitness trail is a great place to people watch but perhaps you could do that from the sidelines instead of zig-zagging slowly in front of me. Yes, I know, all those hot athletes are less likely to see you all dolled up in your cute workout shorts paired with hoop earrings and mask of make-up, but all of us that are using the fitness trail for well, fitness, sure would appreciate the extra space.

I know your cell phone is glued to your ear, but I think my labored breathing is loud enough to give you a hint of my approach. I especially appreciate when glance back at me just to give me a nice, long look over with a crinkled face only to turn back around, continue to block my way and perhaps even roll your eyes at my appearance. Yes, I am sweaty, and no, I did not bother to slip on any lip gloss.

No, Fitness Faker, do not mind me. I will simply take a detour around a tree to avoid you. You can continue to chat away while you waddle through the park in your fashionista workout gear, you work that look while you can. I'll see you tonight when I'm showered and toned while you sip on a 400 calorie drink and complain about your cellulite.

Sincerely,
A girl who is isn't afraid to sweat.

Rant of the Moment: Creepsters

If you are a woman, you will surely be able to relate to this post on some level. Creepsters happen to all of us.

During my time in Buenos Aires I have had 4 fanáticos of varying degrees of creepiness, dangerousness and general ability to annoy the crap out of me. They ranged from ages 19-40 and were all pretty different. However, they all had these things in common: arrogance, persistence and creepiness. Their persistence is what really made them stand out because let's face it, creepsters are a part of any woman's life, especially women in Argentina. However, admitting that fact does not pardon creepsters, so here is my open letter to the creepsters of the world.

Dear Creepsters,

You are pathetic. No self-respecting woman would even walk on the same dog-piss stained sidewalk as you if they could avoid it. No one cares if you have money, it certainly couldn't buy you class and we can earn our own money and buy our own damn dinner. Quit staring at our chests and acting like our breasts should be honored to have your grubby eyes' attention. Your gaze makes us want to shower for days on end. Calling us queens and sweethearts while you drool all over your dirty face is not going to win us over. Believe it or not, we are not flattered by your use of pet names while you try to get our attention as we speed walk through your Creepster stench. We know you think you are God's gift to women and we would be so lucky to be graced with your company, but chances are you live with your parents and expect us to relish the idea of cooking you dinner. Turns out we went to college, have our own apartments, practice proper social etiquette and are and always will be better at life than you.

To those creepsters who were lucky enough to weasel some sort of interaction out of us: please do us a favour and forget what we look like, where we live, our phone numbers and that you were ever allowed to interact with us in any way.

Lastly, stop making excuses for our rejection by calling us prudes or lesbians and saying we need to "get some". We would rather let the entire human population die off than go through the agony of a night with slimy loser like yourself.

Sincerely,
The women of modern society.



Ladies- What was your biggest Creepster nightmare?

Men- Have you ever been guilty of being a Creepster or being friends of one? Also, please note that I'm not saying Men=Creepsters. It's a separate breed.

Rant of the Moment: Concert Etiquette

I recently went to see Belle and Sebastian here in Buenos Aires. Being able to see them anywhere would have been awesome, but seeing them in Buenos Aires, playing in front of a shockingly large crowd was amazing. My experience was only slightly soured by the fact that I was sitting between two of the most annoying girls of all time. This rant will be about concert etiquette, something these two girls clearly know nothing about.

• No cell phone conversations
• Okay, if you are trying to find a friend who is also at said concert, this might be acceptable, though texting seems like a much more logical and effective plan of action. However, having a full conversation on your cell phone is not only pointless but annoying to everyone around you. They always go a bit like this: "HEY! WHERE ARE YOU?.....WHAT?.....WHAT?!....I'M AT THE CONCERT! HELLO? I AM AT THE CONCERT! WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU. CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHAT?!" What exactly do you expect to get out of a conversation like this?
• No long conversations during songs
• Perhaps you think because you are not holding a cell phone to your ear that you are entitled to have as loud and as long of a conversation as you please. Incorrect. Save the drama about your recent fight with your BFF for the down time between bands. I don't want to hear you screaming over my favourite song about what a bitch Jessica is or how your boyfriend is being a dick. You paid for this show and so did I, so let's enjoy it, shall we? 
• No singing along if you don't know the words
• This is not your shower, so save your half singing, half humming off key for when you are confined to a small space. If you know the words, sing your heart out, if not, keep your mouth shut so the rest of us can hear the real version, not your haphazardly concocted one. 
• No screaming during quiet parts
• Have you people never heard of dramatic pauses? The performer didn't bring out his acoustic guitar and pause to let the strings ring out so you can scream"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!" loud and clear. Respect the slow and quiet songs and stop screaming nonsense while the performer is attempting to speak. 
• No dancing without music
• I love to dance it up at concerts too, but I reserve that for when music is being played. When the performer is having a chat with the audience or a roadie is fixing a mic there is absolutely no reason you should be wildly flailing your arms and shaking your hips. Bad dancing is completely forgiven when the music is going, but without it, you look like you are suffering from an ant infestation within your clothing. 

Those are my biggest gripes, though I could surely think of a few more minor things. What bad concert etiquette have you guys suffered through?

Rant of the Moment

I realize I have never actually had a post that was a Rant of the Moment, but I figure, for someone who hates as much stuff as I do, this was inevitable.

Rant of the Moment: Slow Walkers/People Who Don't Understand Sidewalk Manners

This has happened to all of us. You are walking along, trying to make it to your destination. Maybe you are in a rush, maybe you're not- it doesn't matter. Then, it happens-- a slow walker. They merge in front of you and suddenly trap you in their painfully slow rhythm. You feel like you are trying to walk up a down escalator as you desperately try to figure out how any human's legs could possibly move so slow. You dodge left, you weave right but, as luck would have it, slow walkers are almost always sidewalk hogging zig zaggers as well. If you're like me, this is the point when you start mentally screaming MOVE MOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WALK! 

Eventually, you will be able to get around this slow walker. If you are having an especially rough sidewalk day, you might immediately run into the bad manners sidewalk people. These are the people who stop dead in their tracks to do or look at something like check their phone, light a cigarette, have a lengthy conversation with a long lost friend they have stumbled upon in the streets, etc. Or perhaps someone who is walking in the opposite direction and decides to look you in the eye and play chicken as they plow directly towards you.

Am I one of the few people left that treats sidewalks as I would the road? Stay to the right, allow faster walkers to pass, never cross into oncoming traffic and never make unexpected stops. Pretty simple rules people, let's put them into good use.

The irony of this post is I didn't even walk around today as I am bedridden. I suppose this issue annoys me enough on a daily basis that the irritation is still fresh in my mind.